Stages of Affair Recovery & Relationship Renewal
Written by Tim Tedder
Recovering from an affair is a difficult process. It takes more effort and time than most couples anticipate. But those who choose to do the work can experience something beyond mere survival; they can participate in a satisfying marriage to both. For that to happen, each partner must be willing to take the steps that move them through the stages of relationship renewal.
Before exploring the path of renewal, let me acknowledge that it isn’t the only path to affair healing. For some, healing is attained by focusing on individual growth rather than relationship renewal. This is especially true for the betrayed spouse whose wayward partner does not return to the marriage with the certainty and commitment required to heal it. But it may also be true for the unfaithful spouse who, despite sincere efforts to make amends, realizes their wounded partner is unwilling to forgive or trust them again.
After an affair, most married couples stay together, but not always happily. I use the term “relationship renewal” rather than “marriage recovery” because I believe it more accurately reflects the kind of connection couples desire. The latter may be accomplished by merely avoiding divorce or returning to the kind of marriage the couple experienced before the affair. Most couples, however, tell me they don’t want the old relationship; they want something new.
From the time an affair is revealed, either by discovery or disclosure, a process begins determining the marriage's outcome. Couples can successfully move through each stage toward renewal if both are willing to take the necessary steps, but a different destination awaits if either exits the path.
A betrayed spouse, for example, may choose not to invest in hope, forgiveness, or trust.
An unfaithful spouse may decide to remain dishonest, fail to feel genuine sorrow, or refuse to accept responsibility for getting the marriage back to a secure place.
Both partners may refuse ever to be vulnerable with each other again.
Any of these choices will move the couple out of the renewal process, either ending the marriage or moving it into a state of managed disconnection.
The process of marriage renewal can be separated into these five stages:
Exposure: An affair is revealed through discovery by the betrayed partner, disclosure by the unfaithful partner, or a combination of both.
Reaction: The uncovering of an affair evokes tremendous emotions in both partners and produces extreme stress levels, which may remain for several days or weeks, depending on the circumstances. Both partners make initial choices regarding their marriage.
Clarity: The betrayed spouse seeks to understand the truth. The unfaithful spouse helps by providing an honest account of the affair and sharing insights into why it happened. Both gain clarity in understanding their roles in creating a new marriage.
Cooperation: The couple agrees to join forces, each willing to do their part in working toward renewal. The cooperative efforts usually result in a reduction of stress as each partner experiences a relationship that is more satisfying and secure.
Connection: As trust is built, spouses risk greater vulnerability and experience a deeper connection. Lessons learned through the renewal process are used to build a more intimate bond.
It is important to recognize that these stages are fluid. You will likely experience a blending between the stages as you move from one to another and sometimes may find yourself flowing back into an earlier stage. Still, it's helpful to consider their differences and understand the natural progressions from one stage to the next.
This fluidity should be expected in the steps taken by each spouse, too. A betrayed spouse who completes the initial step of grief may still experience moments of mourning even after hope has been established. The same may be said of the unfaithful partner’s step of honesty. It is not just a single act of confession but an ongoing commitment to truthfulness.
Predicting Successful Affair Recovery
What are the best predictors of successful recovery from an affair? Here are six predictors of success based on my work with couples.
1. The couple has previously experienced mutual love, respect, and trust in their marriage. If they never experienced this level of connection, the affair will likely become the final reason for ending their marriage. If they remain committed to saving the marriage, they will need to understand that “dealing with the affair” is only the first step to a longer process of creating the kind of marriage in which trust and intimacy become the norm.
2. The Involved Partner moves quickly to honest disclosure and the cut-off of all relationship ties with the other person. The longer the spouse holds on to deceptions or continues in any affair behavior, the harder it becomes for the marriage to survive.
3. The Involved Partner assumes responsibility for helping his/her spouse feel safe again. This means the Involved Partner will be willing to take extraordinary measures to regain the spouse's trust. It also means that the Injured Partner will be given enough time to process grief and hurt, even if it takes longer than the affair spouse thinks it should.
4. The Injured Partner can forgive genuinely. This comes easier for some than for others, but it's necessary for the marriage to move forward. For the Injured Partner, forgiveness means they no longer have to be held captive by the past. For the Involved Partner, real forgiveness helps them heal from shame and live without fear of continual accusation.
5. The Involved Partner gains insight into their affair behavior along with a clear vision for change. To guard against repeat behavior, a person needs to understand the various influences at play when they chose the affair and give proper attention to each. Along with gaining insight from the past, the Involved Partner must have a clear vision of being healthy and whole.
6. The couple finds new ways to pursue an intimate connection with each other. Simply returning to "business as usual" often means a return to affair vulnerability. Smart couples find ways to strengthen their marriage by accepting responsibility for the problems in their marriage and working toward change.