Affair Counseling: A Specialized Focus
Written by Tim Tedder
A man with high blood pressure was hit by a truck while crossing a street. As he lay injured, a doctor rushed to his aid, quickly assessed the situation, and then exclaimed, "Man, you're in poor health. You need to give more attention to diet and exercise!"
Ridiculous? Sure. But I'm surprised at how often a couple in crisis will come to me and tell me the same story about their previous counseling experience. Even though they had just experienced the trauma of an affair, the counselor spent one or two sessions asking questions about their condition and then began to focus on issues like communication and conflict resolution. Some counselors went so far as to tell the couple that it would not be beneficial for them to focus on the affair.
And so the couple tried to do what they were told; they struggled to practice the fundamentals of a healthy relationship while their marriage continued to bleed out. I AM INFURIATED when I hear stories like these because I know someone failed to give them the help they needed. Focusing on relationship basics is undoubtedly a vital part of the counseling process, but only after a couple is stable enough to do so.
Why do some counselors deal so poorly with affair issues? I assume most of them are not knowledgeable or comfortable enough with such messy situations. They quickly turn to the basic skills because they feel more confident in these areas. But their effectiveness is usually no better than a doctor who prescribes blood pressure medicine to an accident victim without treating his wounds.
Here's what one client had to say about her initial counseling experience:
“The first counselor I went to really confused me. She wanted us to process the whole affair in one or two sessions and seemed to place all the responsibility on me. She said I needed to forgive him right away in order for our marriage to heal. It felt like I was being asked to ignore all the pain and confusion I was feeling.”
If your marriage needs a tune-up, most couples' counselors can help you find a more satisfying relationship. But if it has experienced a trauma, be more intentional about finding a therapist with expertise and experience in affair recovery. Make sure the wounds have been treated before you return to the "diet and exercise" of your relationship.
Here are eight cautions for anyone considering affair recovery therapy:
Don't start couples counseling until the affair has ended (except for Discernment Counseling).
Once both partners agree to work out decisions together, start joint counseling. Avoid ongoing individual counseling without couples counseling.
Find a counselor who is well experienced in affair recovery work.
Don't let finances keep you from counseling. Consider the options and find the right balance between controlling expenses and getting effective help.
Make sure the counselor's goals are in line with yours.
Go into each session focusing on ways you can be helped toward change rather than with an agenda to change your partner.
Once you start joint counseling, ongoing individual therapy should be conducted with a different counselor.
Remain in counseling until the marriage has self-sustaining momentum into intimacy and trust.