Guard Your Heart After It’s Been Betrayed
Written by Tim Tedder
Your partner’s betrayal has probably caused more profound pain than any hurt you’ve experienced. You want it to be over. But if you are not careful, you risk being repeatedly wounded.
I've watched many betrayed spouses, desperate to save their marriages, assume the responsibility for making things "right." While their partner remains confused and disconnected, they insist on going to counseling together, attempt to establish firm boundaries, repeatedly overlook ongoing bad behavior, or work desperately to change in ways that will attract the wayward spouse.
When an affair is first discovered, the involved partner will often have an initial response of denial and defensiveness. For a few days, perhaps weeks, the injured partner may be more focused on recovery and more determined to move toward change. This pattern should not continue, even though I often observe it going on for months or years.
Consider "Pam," married 27 years to "Hank." Hank's affair started nearly four years ago with a woman he met at a conference. The relationship was emotional and romantic and became sexual during subsequent encounters. Pam found out about it a few months later.
After his wife’s discovery, Hank felt guilty and feared the many consequences of an affair, including how it would affect his children. He agreed to come to counseling. But from the start, it became clear that his attachment to the other woman was not something he was willing to give up. Instead, he continued secretly contacting the other woman, getting caught, lying, confessing again, and agreeing to keep working on the marriage.
This happened over and over. Before the affair, Pam was convinced that if Hank ever cheated, she would leave him immediately, but now she repeatedly accepted him back. Each time, she hoped that this would be his final failure.
At the beginning of their counseling, I supported her desire to offer him grace. I encouraged her to invite him to a recovery process and then hopefully but cautiously observe his changes. If he did not assume responsibility for leading their recovery, he would continue to hurt his wife.
As it became evident that Hank was unwilling to embrace her invitation to focus on their marriage, I encouraged Pam to establish clear boundaries—to place Two Guards in front of her vulnerable heart. She could continue to invite Hank to join her in healing their marriage, but she should wait until he was willing to do so. And the sincerity of his willingness would be demonstrated by his response to the question that each Guard asked before letting him into her heart again.
First Guard's Question: Are you single-minded in your desire to restore your marriage?
Second Guard's Question: Are you willing to change in ways that allow your spouse to heal?
Hank followed the typical pattern of going back and forth between his lover and wife. Pam always ended up accepting him back again. She told her Guards to stand down and let him in, even though his honest answer to the First Guard was, "I'm still confused," and to the Second Guard was, "I just want to forget all this and move forward. She needs to do the same."
She was too fearful. After 27 years of marriage, she feared what life without Hank would mean, and maybe she wasn't good enough to survive alone. Her husband's rejection had stripped much of her confidence away.
She was angry, too. She didn't want the other woman to "win" this fight.
Each time she let him in, she would experience the familiar pattern of his leaving the other women and then eventually returning to her. He spent long weekends with the affair partner. He went on trips with her. He even told Pam how great the sex was and how he didn't think he could ever let her go. But, eventually, something would go wrong in the affair relationship; he would let Pam know he wasn't happy and wanted to work on the marriage again. She would let him back in without letting the Guards investigate the truth, experience a brief period of hope, and then be crushed when he left again.
Pam did this for three years. She is an intelligent, attractive, career woman—not someone you would typically consider weak. She hates herself for putting up with this for so long. And she is far from alone. I've witnessed many men and women trapped in the same painful pattern.
They need to trust the Two Guards. They must refuse to open themselves up to vulnerable connections until their partner can give a confident "YES!" to both questions.
First Guard's Question: Are you single-minded in your desire to restore your marriage?
Acceptable Answers:
I realize my choices have damaged my marriage, maybe beyond repair. But I want to do whatever I can to make things right and give our relationship a chance to heal.
My feelings for the affair partner aren't entirely gone, but I am no longer confused about what I want. I have closed all doors to the affair relationship and only want to work on our marriage.
Unacceptable Answers:
I think so, but I'm still confused. I go back and forth between what I want. Today, I want my marriage, but I know that tomorrow I might want to be with the other person again.
My affair is over; nothing more needs to be discussed. We can go back to the way things used to be. The problem with our marriage now is that my spouse refuses to trust me again.
I need assurance that my spouse will do his/her part in fixing things before I commit to doing this.
Second Guard's Question: Are you willing to change in ways that will allow your spouse to heal?
Acceptable Answers:
I know I'm responsible for their pain; I want to take responsibility for giving the comfort and assurance that will heal their hurt.
There are things we both need to take responsibility for if we are going to recover from this, but I'm willing to focus first on doing those things that comfort my spouse. We can get to the other issues later.
This is a hard thing for me to do. I've never been good at it. But I know it's important. I might need some help, but I'm committed to making the changes that will bring healing to my partner and our relationship.
Unacceptable Answers:
I've got my own pain to deal with. They just need to get over it.
I just made a mistake. I'm sorry, but I'm done with the affair, and nothing else needs to change.
Sure, I want to help. But I can't deal with so much emotion (anger, crying).
I'll give it a week or two but don't expect me to keep up the effort if it drags out longer.
If your spouse stays caught in the affair, or if they can't seem to join you in the work of recovery for any reason, your invitation to your spouse can continue to be loud and clear: "I am still willing to work on our marriage, but I can't do it alone. I need you to do your part." But you need to post your Two Guards and determine not to welcome your partner back into that vulnerable space again unless/until an acceptable answer is given to both questions.
Pam is aware of the price she paid for repeatedly ignoring the caution of her Guards. At this time, she has kept the Guards firmly in place for the past three months. It's probably too late for her marriage, but it is essential for her healing. In our last session, I asked her what she would say to herself if she could go back a couple of years. She started to cry. "I should have trusted my Guards."