Should Accountability Be Required After an Affair?
Written by Tim Tedder
I once read an article on PsychologyToday.com in which the author addressed this question: Is it helpful to require accountability in a relationship partner? This required accountability may come from checking phone records, texts, online activities, purchases, etc. The author pointed to a series of recent studies to support his opinion that these behaviors tend to increase the chances of infidelity rather than diminish them.
The author’s conclusion: Instead of putting measures and boundaries around a relationship to make it more secure, the injured partner should focus on creating the kind of marriage/relationship that will entice the wandering partner to return and stay. He wrote: "Rather than making them not cheat, make them WANT to NOT cheat, through having a relationship where they feel no need to do so. Make that forbidden fruit less desirable, less mysterious, and less alluring than yourself."
I disagree with this opinion. His argument seems to assume the myth that people cheat because they are in a bad marriage and that the betrayed one needs to do a better job of making the marriage appealing again. That’s unfair pressure to put on the victim of infidelity. But neither do I believe the remedy is to move to the opposite extreme by demanding changes in the involved partner. There is a middle ground where both partners assume the appropriate responsibility. Or not.
Betrayed spouses need reassurance in their marriage following an affair. Many of them desperately want accountability so they can feel safe in the relationship again. They want proof that their spouse is acting with truthfulness and integrity.
But there often is tension between what the injured and involved partners want after uncovering an affair. Even if they both desire to stay in the marriage, the involved partner wants to move quickly toward "let's put the past behind us and move forward," while the injured partner wants plenty of time to "prove to me that you can be trusted now." Requiring accountability does produce resentment. But no accountability often leaves the betrayed spouse feeling insecure, unable to move toward forgiveness and trust.
Given this dilemma, should accountability be expected following an affair?
Absolutely. Accountability should be expected but not required.
If a cheating spouse resists or refuses accountability following an affair, it is an indication that they (1) are more mindful of their needs than their spouse's needs and (2) do not want to give up their "right" to freedom and privacy. But those are two motivators for affair choices, not marriage choices. But if a cheating spouse has a genuine change of heart, they will want to prove their sincerity and take the initiative in opening up the hidden areas of their lives to give assurance of their honesty.
I've worked with many couples on the other side of an affair, and this is one of the common denominators among them: successful recovery into an intimate marriage always includes the willing accountability of the cheating partner. If it is not freely offered, then I would question that couple's ability to survive the affair (unless their standard for survival is measured by avoiding divorce even without trust or intimacy restored).
If your spouse resists accountability, what can you do? Here are some suggestions:
Resist the urge to force accountability. Any energy you spend on trying to change your spouse will be counter-productive. You will likely end up pushing them the other way.
Privately, draw a line in the sand. Determine how long you will wait for a change in your partner and what you will do if there is no change. This line is "in the sand" because you may find that circumstances cause you to move it closer or farther, but it's good to have some plan in mind. Keep this line to yourself; if you tell your partner about it, they will perceive it as a threat.
Be honest with your partner. Tell them the truth about your pain, insecurities, and confusion. You need to do this. But if you want the best chance of being heard, try to communicate these things occasionally rather than constantly, deliberately rather than reactively.
Focus on your role in your relationship. No, you are not responsible for the affair, but the only person you can change is you, so why not consider how you can become healthier during this time?
Acknowledge every step toward openness. If your spouse makes any moves toward transparency and honesty, focus on encouraging ongoing change rather than fixating on the gap between what they give and what you need.
I recently asked a couple of injured partners for their opinion on this issue. Here's what they told me.
“Now that the deed is done the control issue of trying to prevent cheating or searching to see if there is cheating is in itself damaging to both of us. I think total transparency by the partner who cheated (or possibly both spouses) is something that should be offered in an attempt to rebuild trust rather than demanded. This is a massive problem in my relationship. The offering of transparency with a loving heart is not there because of the fear of losing control and the need to receive the transparency and not get it makes me demand it. So basically for it to work it MUST be given for a relationship to recover post affair. ”
“[My husband] has deactivated his Facebook account and I think that decision came from him defining who he wants to be—he knew that Facebook was a temptation and that he needed to cut it out. Ultimately I benefit and feel safe, but I know that it needed to come from him—not me demanding it. More recently, he has decided to close his personal email account and only share one with me. Again, this is a big step, but a choice that he realized he needed to make to be a better person.”