Reclaiming Sex After an Affair
Even after an affair has ended, it can continue to intrude into the marriage relationship. For many couples, this is never more apparent than in moments of attempted sexual intimacy, when the betrayed partner is ripped out of the moment with a thought: Is THIS something they shared? If unchecked, intrusive thoughts like this can become so deeply rooted that sex is robbed of its joy and pleasure.
This isn’t true for all couples. Some couples, in their attempt to secure their bond to each other, experience a renewed sexual intimacy that is surprising and exciting to both partners, But for the majority who struggle, the comfortable intimacy of sex might take some time to reclaim. Let me offer some suggestions to help you find your sexual connection again.
You established a shared intimate space before. Do it again.
Most marriages do not begin with two people who were each other's first-and-only sexual partners. And you know what? They do just fine because the old partners don't matter anymore once the couple commits to honor their relationship in a new way. For most couples, this is an exclusive (monogamous) arrangement.
An affair breaks the trust of this agreement, but it doesn't necessarily destroy it. If a couple chooses to rebuild and renew their marriage, they will need to let the affair recede into the past (as they have with relationships they had before their marriage, but with the added need of forgiveness) as they re-commitment to each other.
If you were a virgin when you married, you will likely struggle more since (a) this is the first time you've had to deal with the reality of not being your partner's only lover, and (b) you likely placed a high value in absolute exclusivity (past and present). However, if the betrayal is forgiven, they can begin to let the past be the past, just as other couples have done.
Focus on what is uniquely yours.
Do you know what happens in sexual affairs? Sex. And when it comes to sex, a few body parts are almost always involved in one way or another. So, if you try to eliminate everything shared in the affair experience, you won't even have the essential parts required for sex.
So, if you want sexual healing, turn your attention away from what was shared in the affair and focus on what is unique to the marriage. Here are a few do's and don'ts for both partners...
For the injured spouse:
Avoid questions about sexual details. If you fear your spouse might try to bring something new from the affair into your bed, ask them to respect you enough not to do that. Resist the urge to go through a checklist of sex behaviors. (Did you do this? Did you do that?). It won't help.
When you're ready to be sexually involved with your spouse again, ask: What can we do to make sex more enjoyable for both of us?
Think of new experiences that you can add to your sexual encounters: new touches, new toys, new places. You don't have to go crazy. Simple explorations can become part of what's unique in the sexual experience you are reclaiming.
For the involved spouse:
Do NOT compare your spouse and the affair partner unless you are building up your spouse and they are open to hearing it. Otherwise, just communicate what you enjoy and desire about your spouse.
Consider how you contributed to past sexual dissatisfaction your relationship may have experienced. Sexual problems are rarely a one-sided issue. Were there ways you failed to connect with your spouse in the ways they wanted (emotionally, verbally, spiritually, physically, sexually)? If so, focus on meeting their needs rather than just your own.
If there are sexual experiences that you have shared in your marriage but did not share in the affair, let your spouse know. For example, if any of these things were NOT part of your affair, then tell your spouse they are still exclusive to the marriage: being naked together; oral sex (either way); intercourse; sex in bed; particular words spoken. If anything was not shared, let them know.
Remember sexual experiences with your spouse that were especially exciting or enjoyable, even if they were in the distant past. Talk about them if your spouse is ready to listen. Your history is unique to the two of you. Let them know what you value.
When your spouse is ready and willing, create new sexual experiences with them. Try different things. Go to different places. Do NOT attempt to replicate the affair experience. Make something unique instead by making small adjustments to what you do together.