When Does It Become Cheating?
Couples can get into muddy waters when it comes to one person feeling really uncomfortable about their partner’s “friendship” with someone who could potentially be a romantic partner. This can lead to arguments about what is cheating. Can it be called cheating of there is no physical contact? Can there be room for innocent flirting? These debates don’t actually soothe anyone: the partner who feels there is an inappropriate relationship stays upset and the partner in the relationship feels judged and defensive.
We are, of course, trying to understand if there is such a thing as an “emotional affair” and, if so, what defines it.
I believe an affair (a relationship that crosses the boundaries of trust established in a commitment between partners) can be emotional, physical, sexual, or a combination of those kinds of connection. Let’s consider the three ingredients that can be found in most emotional affairs.
It starts with a one-to-one relationship with somebody who could become a romantic partner. Even if you would never “do” anything, it is in the realm of possibility for you, or that person, to develop an attraction for the other (even if that person doesn’t exactly fit a particular “type.”)
Secondly, that person starts meeting a need that is meant to be satisfied in your committed relationship. Sometimes, that need is purely emotional (attention, approval, validation, interest, excitement, etc.). In other cases, there is a sexual charge to the relationship even if no action has been taken. Even though you’re not sexually intimate, you’re physically attracted and nurture that feeling.
The third part is the clincher: the true nature of the relationship becomes private. You don’t tell your spouse what you and the other person share; if you do talk about the other person, you carefully edit the truth.
If you’re in such a relationship and you’re reading this thinking, “Uh oh,” realizing that a friendship might go down a wrong path, now is the time to cool it down. You don’t have to be dramatic about it. Plenty of adult friendships exist where “life” gets in the way and the connection diminishes. This should be such a relationship. If you’re being accused, now is the time to come clean. Share everything, including why you didn’t tell your spouse about this person.
If you are the accuser and your partner is defensive, arguing that they are in the right and you are simply paranoid, it may be worthwhile to seek couples counseling. There is something bigger going on beyond the possible emotional affair. Your relationship has trust issues, at least. You are feeling vulnerable and unsafe, and your spouse is feeling defensive. If conflict over the other person endures, there are issues that a professional therapist can help you sort out.
If you are being suspected of an emotional affair and you are convinced it’s not so (maybe your partner is always jealous of your friends and coworkers), it’s in your best interest to help your spouse feel more confident. This may require a therapist’s help. Your spouse may be feeling vulnerable for reasons that need to be sorted out, and you may be doing other things that contribute to trust issues in your relationship.
Either way, couples therapy can help prevent more damage in the future. It’s not enough to say, “trust me—there’s no issue,” when your spouse is torn up about another relationship.