Can I ever really trust my spouse again?
The rebuilding of trust takes time. Your spouse broke a promise to you and inflicted a deep wound. He/she needs to repay the damage by exerting great effort in earning back your trust. At first, you'll probably suspect and question every little thing, but in time, if they continue to live openly and honestly, you'll find a growing list of items that are of no real concern to you anymore.
Likely, you'll always have a new sensitivity to potential "red flags" in your spouse's behavior. That's not a bad thing. But if your spouse remains open, transparent, and accountable, you can eventually learn to trust again.
Is there a risk in choosing to work on restoring your marriage? Yes. Could you be hurt again? Yes. Whether or not you should take that risk is a question only you can answer. In some cases, I would counsel a client NOT to take that risk. But in many cases, the willingness to be vulnerable enough to work on reconciliation is a choice born out of strength, not weakness.
Is it possible to forgive without trusting my spouse?
In my experience, many people confuse forgiveness with trust. They're not the same. Forgiveness says, "I let go of this offense and release you from its debt." Trust says, "I will act according to the belief that you will not let me down."
There are circumstances in which I may genuinely forgive someone but never trust them again. For example, I can forgive a business partner for stealing money from the account but choose not to risk working with him any longer. I can forgive a babysitter who failed to guard them against an injury but never ask them to provide childcare again.
My counseling work focuses on helping couples navigate through the affair recovery process. I find that many couples have a faulty understanding of forgiveness. Here are two of the common misconceptions:
FALSE: Once forgiveness has been given, the offending spouse should expect a quick return to "life as normal," including no more questions about the past or expectation of accountability in the future.
FALSE: Once forgiveness has been given, the offended spouse must choke down concerns or questions about their partner's current and future behavior since real forgiveness means forgetting. These are lies.
Even when forgiveness is given, trust must still be earned. Forgiveness opens a pathway to trust in an affair, but it does not guarantee that the couple will find their way to it. The person who had an affair and wants to rebuild their marriage must be willing to take extraordinary measures to earn a spouse's trust again. The willingness to do this is a good indicator of whether or not a person has ended an affair and is willing to invest in their marriage.
The person who has been betrayed should understand that learning to forgive, at some level, will be an important step toward their healing and recovery. But the process of forgiveness is separate from the process of learning to trust a spouse again. The good news is that genuine trust can be restored over time.
The image below lists some of the differences between forgiveness and trust.
Forgiveness focuses on past offenses, while trust focuses on present and future risks.
Forgiveness requires letting go of justice (willingness to stop demanding recompense), while trust required letting go of control (willingness to be vulnerable).
Forgiveness is necessary for both personal and relationship healing, but trust is not required for personal healing. For some, the choice NOT to trust is a healthier one.
You can fully forgive someone and never trust them again, but you cannot fully trust someone if you have not forgiven them.
