My partner wants to know WHY I cheated. How do I answer that?
It is important for you to understand WHY.
After an affair, attention is typically directed toward answering the who, what, when, and where questions. If you expect your spouse to move through the stages of genuine forgiveness and trust, you have to be willing to provide honest answers. But, beyond these, the one question that seems most significant is, “WHY did you do this?”.
This is an essential question for your spouse. They want to understand the motive behind your choices because that will give them the clearest sense of their vulnerability to future betrayal.
Imagine running out of gas while driving your car… every day. At the end of each day, you give a clear account of what happened: where you were, what time it was, your reaction to the event, how it affected your schedule, etc. Maybe you even start journaling each day’s misadventure to collect as many facts as possible. But if you never stop to figure out why it’s happening, you’ll keep running out of gas.
For the same reason, you need to gain insight into why you had your affair. If not, you’re at risk of repeating the behavior despite how much pain or regret you feel right now. Your spouse understands this and wants more assurance than simply hoping it won’t happen again.
Pieces to the puzzle.
You’re not looking for one single answer that explains it all. I’ve never dealt with an affair that could be explained that easily. Affairs tend to be more complicated than that. Coming up with a complete explanation will be like looking for pieces that make up a whole puzzle. Some pieces are bigger than others, but they all play a part in putting together the whole picture.
Explanations are not excuses.
This is important work, but let’s be clear about the reason to come up with answers to “why”: to provide clearer insight into factors that influence your infidelity. You must still accept full responsibility for your choice. Having an affair was not inevitable, so don’t let your explanations become your excuses.
Your attitude should be something like this: “I know there is no excuse for what I did, but I need to understand, as much as possible, why I did it. I know it’s important for you, too. The better I understand what influences contributed to my behavior, the better I can work on the change that assures you of being safe with me in the future.”
Finding the puzzle pieces.
You need to examine your affair(s) carefully. I typically encourage clients to consider these four areas of vulnerability:
Historical Influences: What events from your past may have impacted your decision?
Personal Influences: What personal values, preferences, or traits may have impacted your decision?
Marital Influences: What was happening in your marriage before and during your affair?
Circumstantial Influences: What unique conditions may have contributed to your choice?
Again, none of these CAUSE an affair, but they help you understand the various conditions that created the vulnerability in which the choices for an affair occurred.
