Should I confess my affair even if they may never find out?
You may not like my answer to this question, but please read all of it before checking out.
If you want a healthy relationship/marriage, the answer is usually yes. Although keeping the secret may allow you to escape immediate conflict or consequences, the long-term cost is often not worth it.
Choosing not to tell is almost always an act of self-protection. You don't want to face the feared consequences. But in doing so, you are deciding for your partner instead of allowing him/her to choose for themselves. In reality, what your partner wants is less important to you than what you want. That kind of thinking probably contributed to your affair behavior in the first place.
Is there a risk in telling? Yes. While most partners, after dealing with the initial pain of discovery, will want to work on restoring their relationship, a betrayed partner may choose separation or divorce. But they have the right to choose between staying or leaving based on the whole truth. If not, any forgiveness or trust offered to you is inherently incomplete. And even if your confession results in your spouse choosing to leave, your honesty is still a very important step toward becoming healthier.
Let me be very clear about this: truth-telling is a painful process. Your partner will likely strongly react to what she/he hears. The alternative, in my opinion, is to pay a possibly even greater price down the road instead of dealing with the issues right now.
Most clients (especially men) fail to understand that their partner is more concerned about TRUST than specific details of the affair, even though she/he is probably asking about details. They want to protect their partners by not revealing painful information, but withholding that information does more damage because it hinders openness & trust. Getting through this and moving toward real forgiveness and trust is sometimes a bit messy, but the benefits make it worthwhile.
Telling the whole truth has these benefits...
Your partner becomes more assured of your honesty because you are telling things you haven't been "caught" in... things that may not otherwise be known. These become evidence of your honesty & your willingness to relinquish control (which is affair behavior).
It provides the opportunity for true forgiveness to take place. If your partner only knows part of the story, then he/she can only forgive that part, and you will only receive forgiveness for that part. Your partner has the right to forgive or not forgive everything.
Nothing remains that has to be kept hidden from this point on. Secrets require emotional energy (even when you try to forget them). Secrets sabotage intimacy. Total honesty provides a freedom that you can't get any other way.
You eliminate the risk of secrets being revealed in the future. I can't tell you how many times a client has decided not to confess parts of their story, only to have that choice backfire on them in the future. They convince themselves that the whole truth would only cause more hurt and anger; why confess something nobody knows about? But in many cases, those hidden parts of the story are eventually uncovered. When that happens, any repairs to trust will likely be undone, and the damage to your relationship may be even more severe.
You become less likely to have another affair. Keeping secrets is affair behavior. If you rationalize your secrets now, it will be easier for you to rationalize more secrets in the future. A marriage or relationship rebuilt on a foundation of truthfulness will be less vulnerable to affairs.
Reasons you might NOT tell the truth:
1. The truth would put your partner at risk.
If telling about the affair would create a dangerous situation (as in cases with a history of abuse, violence, attempted suicide, or other significant mental health issues), you should work with a qualified counselor to help you determine the choices to be made.
2. Knowing the truth will result in greater consequences for your partner.
I hesitate to write this because I know that most people involved in affairs look for justification not to tell the truth. So let me say it again: Telling the truth about your cheating is almost always the best choice, even though it probably doesn't seem like it to you. Dark secrets are the enemy of intimacy, so you must understand that choosing not to tell means you will never receive your partner’s forgiveness and will have to keep something hidden for the rest of your life. You need to carefully weigh the cost of not telling.
But I know the tremendous pain this brings to a partner, so I cannot be authoritative. If you are thinking about keeping your affair a secret to protect them, consider these things before making your decision:
Seek counsel. Talk to someone who has a good understanding of healthy relationships. Good counsel encourages wise choices.
Be honest about your motive. It is a selfish choice if this has more to do with protecting yourself. This has to be about doing something good for your partner, not you.
Be willing to stop your affair behavior. If not telling is simply a choice that gives you the freedom to cheat again, then it's a bad choice. You must be willing to get the help you need to make healthy changes.
Your partner must not be already accusing or suspecting. If they are suspicious and have been asking questions, you need to be honest. The choice of not telling should only be considered if your partner is completely unaware of your affair behaviors (past and present).
You must be certain that your affair will not be revealed. I can't tell you how many times I've worked with clients who were SURE their partner would never discover certain things, only to be surprised when they are eventually revealed by unknown witnesses, missed evidence, the affair partner, or even their own conscience. Your lack of honesty now will be compounded if the truth is revealed in the future. If you have any doubt, deal with the backlash now, not later.
Writing a Secret Confession
If you decide not to tell, I would strongly encourage you to write a complete confession of your affair and why you chose not to tell your partner. This letter should communicate your regret, sorrow, and commitment to your relationship. Try to imagine your partner finding out about your affair and think about what he/she would need to hear from you.
Take your time writing it, but once it is done, seal it in an envelope and take it to someone (someone who would not be likely to lie for you, not a close friend) who will hold your confidence. A pastor or counselor would be a good choice. Ask that person to sign and date the envelope across the sealed flap and then keep it in your confidential records with clear instructions never to release it unless you ask for it someday. If the truth ever comes out, this letter may help explain why you decided to keep your secret.