My feelings for my lover are so intense; how can anyone expect me to get over them?
As mentioned in another answer regarding choosing between your spouse and your lover, it is no surprise that emotions experienced in your affair have been extremely satisfying and passionate. Because of all the dynamics in an affair (relief from feelings of being inadequate or unappreciated; new sexual explorations; sharing the "best" parts of someone without having to deal daily with their worst parts; the thrill of secrecy), your passion may have reached a level you've never known before and may never know again, unless you seek out another affair.
But you need to understand that the dynamics at work in an affair are similar to those that occur in other forms of addictive behavior. There is a definite rush that can't be denied, but whether you want to believe it or not, that rush will not last forever. Just like it was in your marriage, this new relationship will eventually settle into its own "normal."
Whatever inadequacies you took into your relationship with your spouse will be repeated in new relationships as well unless you figure out what needs to change and how to go about changing it.
Let me give you a real-life example of how this plays out. A former client gave me permission to tell his story anonomously in hopes it might help others. Let’s call him Aaron.
I first met Aaron when he and his wife came for counseling after he’d been caught in an affair with a coworker. He wanted to keep his marriage and family together, but was struggling with the love he felt for the affair partner along with the lack of passion he had for his wife. Eventually, Aaron decided he should follow his heart and be happy, so he asked for a divorce so he could start a new life with the woman he loved.
Because of the relationship we’d already developed, I offered to continue counseling Aaron if I could be of any help. Even when I watch clients make choices I know are likely to end in disappointment, it’s not my role to play God in their lives. I wanted to continue encouraging Aaron toward growth and healing, hoping his changes might eventually lead to healing for himself, his children, his ex-wife, and maybe even this new relationship.
Challenges started showing up within the first year as Aaron and his girlfriend had to work through the normal difficulties of two people learning to share life together. Disagreements over expectations and the role of his children in their relationship were especially challenging, but they continued to work through them. But by the end of the second year there were significant struggles, disagreements, and disappointments. During one of our sessions, I brought up this question: “Aaron, it seems to me that the way your a talking about this relationship is similar to the way you talked about your marriage when I first met you. What do you think?”
Aaron: “You’re right. It’s much the same.”
Tim: “Tell me, what’s different in the way you’re responding this time around? What’s changed?”
Aaron: “Not much.”
Tim: “That’s my concern for you, Aaron. You changed your circumstances but didn’t really change yourself. You thought you were choosing something much better, but find yourself in a similar place again.”
I thought that might be the lesson to learn from his story: When the initial limerance of an affair disappates, you are left with yourselves again and the new relationship will start feeling very much like the old one.
But a month later Aaron called me again. He jumped into the conversation: “Tim, you’re not going to believe what I just found out. She’s been cheating on me.”
I’m sorry for all the people who end up being hurt in a story like this, but I don’t have any trouble believing it.