How can I get my partner to break off contact with the lover without demands or ultimatums?

Let me consider this question from the perspective of three different scenarios.

1. The first scenario is when the wayward spouse claims to be in love with the affair partner.

2. In the second scenario, the unfaithful partner is ambiguous or uncertain about whether or not they are ending the relationship with the affair partner. Perhaps they even deny that an affair exists, but they are still unwilling to give up the relationship.

3. In the third scenario, the unfaithful partner claims that the affair has ended but continues to have contact with the affair partner at work or in social situations.

Scenario 1: A partner who claims they are in love with the affair partner.

Your instinct will be to argue with your partner, attempting to reason them back toward "sanity." If you do, your efforts will be ineffective. An unfaithful spouse caught up in an emotional attachment will not be convinced that their "love" isn't real. It's very real to them.

Instead of trying to change their mind, change yours. Accept that you cannot be responsible for your spouse's choices, but you can be responsible for your own. State your case to them honestly and clearly, then focus on the healthy steps you need to take. In the long run, taking control of your life will have a more positive impact on your spouse than efforts to control theirs.

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Refuse to debate the issue. You, standing on the side of reason, may have the clarity that your partner is lacking, but you are the last person to convince them of it. They likely consider you as part of their problem, not their solution. Your carefully crafted arguments will pop like water balloons against their formidable defenses. You won't win the debate, so don't even try.

Acknowledge their feelings. I'm not suggesting that you accept or approve of your wayward spouse's "love," but recognize they may be experiencing something that feels so much like love there is practically no difference. In psychological terms, we call this limerence. Limerence is a state of mind resulting from a romantic attraction that typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies, characterized by a longing to have one's feelings reciprocated by the person they desire.

What they feel is probably shallow and temporary, but why argue if they claim their love is deep and eternal? Since you stand outside their experience, your denials of it will either be ignored or attacked.

Choose to take a perspective like this: I know what you're experiencing is real to you, so I won't waste time trying to talk you out of it. I'll be honest, it's hard for me to make sense of it because of our history, because of the person I thought you were, and because it's hard for me to understand how healthy love can be so willing to hurt others. But this is something you'll have to figure out on your own. I need to take care of myself.

Make smarter choices than your spouse is making.

If you start letting emotions dictate what is "right" for you to do (attack, beg, control, manipulate, etc.), you will get sucked into a dysfunction similar to your spouse's. You have the choice to either focus on changing your spouse or changing yourself. Don't waste energy by attempting to change what is out of your control.

Scenario 2: A partner who remains uncertain about their intent.

Demands and threats are the strategies most often used to stop a partner's contact with their lover, but while they may result in short-term success, the long-term efficacy is usually disappointing. If your partner wants to reconnect with their affair partner, then putting outside pressure on them to "make" them stop can have two consequences:

1. If they lack the inward motivation to change, they will resent your demands. They may go along with your requirements for a while, but their resentment will likely grow, and contact with the lover may be renewed with greater secrecy.

2. If you do somehow manage to control circumstances enough to keep your partner away from their lover, then you have made the decision for them. Even if the affair ends, they may struggle with thoughts of "what if,” comparing your relationship to the affair relationship. This increases the chances for an eventual re-ignition of the affair, vulnerability to another future affair, or growing disinterest in your relationship.

The question How can I get my partner to break contact? assumes that you should try to get your partner to do something. That's the wrong focus. You are not responsible for your partner's behavior; you're responsible for yours.

You must be very honest in letting your partner know how this has affected you and what you are unwilling to accept. These things should be stated with the recognition that they are free to make whatever choices they want, but you will need to do the same. Whether you give them some time to figure things out or move quickly to establish boundaries, the motive for your choice needs to be centered on self-control, not partner control.

Scenario 3: A partner who claims to have ended the affair but has ongoing contact with the affair partner in work or social situations.

In this scenario, the unfaithful partner often expects the betrayed partner to stop feeling insecure and simply trust their ongoing encounters with the former lover. The betrayed partner can't do this. Realizing the risk of ongoing contact, the betrayed spouse will continue to experience stress. If trust is going to be restored, it will require willing change by the unfaithful partner.

You can read more about this in my response to the question about ongoing contact with an affair partner.

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