I want to work on our marriage, but my spouse can't make up his/her mind. What am I supposed to do?
If your spouse struggles with an emotional connection to someone else, they may go back and forth in their decision as they try to figure out what (or who) they want. Once you refuse to be part of that pattern any longer, your spouse will have to make different choices and may eventually express a desire to return to the marriage. If so, you must be very careful when considering whether or not to re-establish a partnership with your spouse. You should not readily accept them back each time they return to you.
You should not re-enter a relationship with your spouse until they can say "yes" to two essential questions. These two questions should stand as guards at the doorway of your relationship, not allowing your spouse to re-enter until they can pass the test.
Think of it this way: Your marriage is like a house you and your spouse built. You promised each other that you would stay together and keep improving your house for the rest of your lives. But things didn't go as planned. At some point, your spouse started visiting someone else's place. Maybe the visits started with chats on the front lawn but eventually moved inside, turning into more intimate connections during afternoons or weekends. You may have tried to force your spouse's return when you found out. Each time they wandered out again, you tried to coax them back.
Stop trying to get your spouse back into the house (your marriage). You can leave the door open, but let them make the choice. But if they do come back, you must be sure it is not just a momentary visit. That's where the two guards come in. Picture them standing outside the door of your house. Before you welcome your spouse back into your relationship, he/she needs to satisfy each guard's question. They should not be allowed in if they cannot give a confident "yes" to both guards.
The first guard's question to your spouse: Are you single-minded in your desire for your marriage?
There should be no more confusion or uncertainty. This doesn't mean all emotional issues are resolved; that may take some time. But your spouse should have their mind made up. If they are still unsure they want to commit to the marriage, leave them outside the door. You may both benefit from individual counseling, but couples therapy will be ineffective.
The second guard asks your spouse: Are you willing to work on change?
If you sense that your spouse wants assurance that YOU will change before they come back, don't let them in. The truth is, you might need to change for the sake of a stronger marriage, but if your spouse is focusing on your flaws, they are failing to accept responsibility for what they've done. There will be a time for both of you to be honest about past hurts or disappointments, but that comes later. Neither should you accept the return of a spouse who simply wants to "put the past behind" and move on with the marriage as though nothing happened. You will never be able to return to trust and intimacy if your spouse does not actively participate in the hard work required to help you recover from this trauma.