Is The Affair Partner Better Than Me?
Some years ago, a betrayed wife posted about her struggle with comparing herself to the affair partner, losing the comparison most often. One of our site members (requesting to be anonymous) posted this insightful reply:
Any questions that form a comparison or a competition (Was sex better? Was she prettier, thinner, smarter, wealthier? Did you enjoy talking with her more? etc.) are unnecessary. I know why we ask them. The affair wounds our sense of self-worth. It takes over like a monster. But I'd like anyone feeling the pain of those questions to try this exercise:
Write down all your spouse's positive points, attractions, and best qualities. Then look at them and ask yourself if no one else is as good or better than they are in those areas. Chances are, there are many people in the world, or even people you know, who are more attractive, thinner, wealthier, better at sex, smarter, or more interesting than your spouse. Do you think less of your spouse because so many people are better than them at any of those things? Odds are no.
This isn't about putting down your wayward spouse. It's about realizing marriage isn't a competition. You didn't marry them because they were "the best." You chose them because you loved them. They didn't marry you because you were the best, but because they loved you. They didn't cheat because you got older, softer, too familiar, or because they found something better, or because you were lacking anything. They cheated because of something lacking in themselves.
If marriage to them is just about finding something better, trust me, they will never find it, and real long-term love will allude them forever. Because there is always someone better at something. Someone will always be younger, more attractive, built differently, more educated, or whatever. That doesn't make you any less. Marriage isn't about trading up for bigger, better, newer models.
I wondered for a long time if the sex was better with the affair partner. Then one day I realized I could probably have better sex with someone else. I just didn't. There were many more attractive men than my husband. I just didn't care because I was married. There we're men smarter or more educated than my husband. Does that mean my husband was less than other men? No. He was just him. And I married him. I wasn't faithful because he was the best at everything, or perfect. I was loyal because I chose to be, and I wasn't lacking things inside me that I thought I could fill from outside.
There is no comparison. In many ways, the affair partner is a downgrade. For one thing, they were willing to engage dishonestly in a relationship with a married person. Would your spouse have found that attractive in a partner if they were in a healthy place themselves? I doubt it. The affair partner wasn't filling anything you lacked, but what was lacking inside your spouse themselves.
Don't demean your worth with comparison questions. If you compare yourself to other things or other people, you can always find yourself lacking something. You don't have to be the best; just be the best you. The best you is worthy of love, honesty, faithfulness, and so much more."