Does Telling the Truth Help or Harm?
Written by Tim Tedder
The Dilemma: Getting to the painful truth about an affair is essential for healing, but the truth also becomes a source of endless agony for many who have been betrayed. So, what truth helps? Can some truth harm? How can we know the difference?
Truth That Helps
An affair shatters trust, the foundation of marriage. Rebuilding it requires an absolute commitment to honesty by the one who broke it. In the process, the injured partner has the right to know the exact measures of the betrayal: When did it start? Is it completely over? When did it end? How far did it go? Who was it with? How has it affected you?
The truth about betrayal will always be painful. Couples who hope for healing need to work through the hurt together as the unfaithful partner recommits to openness and honesty.
Truth That Harms
In their pursuit of clarity, however, many wounded partners are eager to uncover every possible detail about the affair. Fueled by the need to expose each secret and reclaim control, they ask every question that comes to mind.
Some truth, however, doesn't help. Some truth harms. Counselors can point to countless examples of betrayed partners who insisted on knowing affair details that became hindrances to their recovery.
Since I've heard them so many times, I can anticipate arguments against my attempt to establish boundaries within the question-and-answer process. "I have the right to know. My imagination is worse than the reality. They shouldn't get to keep any secrets. I can't stand knowing less than the affair partner."
But here's a fact: as counselors, we spend much time helping clients who wish they could unlearn the details they once demanded. In contrast, clients who avoid those specifics don't tend to regret it.
The Challenge: Helping Without Harming
As counselors, we are committed to "do no harm," so this process also creates a dilemma for us. How do we encourage painful honesty while avoiding information likely to result in ongoing harm to the client?
There is no easy answer, but here is how I've chosen to handle it with my clients. I do my best to build a case for avoiding harmful questions, discouraging the pursuit of any information that will create unnecessary "hooks" to embed the affair more firmly into the psyche of the injured partner. This includes sexual details but may also include specific places, dates, words, events, etc.
Most of my clients embrace these limits for themselves. For the other 10% (the ones who insist on knowing all the details), I tell them I will not participate. I do not attempt to control their choices, but if an injured partner insists on asking those questions during a session, I will leave the room until that conversation ends.
Yes, that's how strongly I feel about the risk they are taking.
Finding a Balance for You
Here are a few suggestions to guide you toward truth that helps while avoiding truth that harms.
Start at the edges.
Imagine a circle representing the full knowledge of the affair. Near the circumference are all the general facts that define the scope of the affair: time frame, type, extent, participants, etc. At the center are its specific details.
You don't need to know everything (exhaustive knowledge, the whole circle). You only need to know what is needed for healing (necessary knowledge, the outer band of the circle). Start at the edge and take your time as you move toward the center. Be intentional and decide where you will stop.
Think from a future perspective.
Instead of simply focusing on what you are thinking and feeling in the present, consider what the healed you might look like a year from now. When considering a question, ask yourself, "How will this answer help me heal?" If you're unsure, hold off on the question until you have more certainty.
Distinguish between secrets and unknown facts.
When you are limiting your knowledge about the affair, it is not a secret; it's your choice. Of course, it can feel like a secret when your unfaithful spouse is reluctant to tell you everything. However, consider that they might be trying to protect you and your relationship from further damage, not just themselves.
Take time, and get help if you need it.
The trauma of betrayal often creates a sense of desperation. Accept the fact that your healing will take time. If you feel compelled to pursue every question that comes to mind, get help from a counselor or someone who can guide you through the process.
“The trip to recovery is made with small steps on a path cluttered with obstacles and distractions. You will fall a lot and frequently wander in the wrong direction. Each time you do, get up, check your compass, and get back on track. The journey will be harder than you want and take longer than you expect, but you’ll eventually join others who have made it to a better place.”